Birth...What a bitch

So, I've been in this world about a day and a half now and I'm not sure what all the fuss is about. It all started about 2 AM on Monday morning. I was hanging out in my mother's uterus when all of a sudden I started pushing my way towards the bottom. They call it "dropping" out here in the world of the born. I didn't know what was really happening but I could tell it wasn't a barrel of monkeys since I could hear yelps of pain coming from outside. About an hour later I think we started traveling in the car, and I could tell my dad was driving since we made smooth turns and accelerated out of them....Things started getting crazier about a half hour later and some fingers started poking around towards the bottom, like they do every week or so now. I kept heading to the bottom with the idea that I was leaving my home of fluid and dull sounds. Uh oh.

Apparently, my mommy got a pain reliever called epidural...and she didn't feel me travel that much more. At about 8 AM momma started really pushing and sliding me out although she probably wouldn't say that did that much sliding. Some guy grabbed my head, then my midsection and then I just kind of popped out. It was all cold and I was scared, so I did what some people do when they're scared...they poop their pants. Except I didn't have pants yet.

Then I saw the beautiful woman I was living inside for the past 10 months. And then I saw the guy who's fault they said this was...daddy. He cut my food cord, that bastard. They were both pretty cool and just kept smiling at me. I even think daddy started to cry a little. They let me lay there for a few minutes before some other woman grabbed me and started measuring me and weighing me and put some bracelets on me. What the hell was going on?

A little later everyone started holding me and passing me around like I was part of a family style dinner. And there were so many little flashes and clicks going off. What's up with that? There were some other people there...grandparents I think. They were much older than my parents. We got moved to another room where we would stay the rest of the day. It was much smaller and I had my own little, clear bed. But I didn't spend much time in there. All these women dressed in blue and green kept coming in looking at me and asking my parents questions. How was I supposed to get any sleep?

And then I learned how I was going to eat for the next few months...My momma grabbed me like a football (my daddy says Herschel Walker was pretty good at it) and pushed me up on her boobie. I naturally knew to start sucking and this creamy liquid started coming out. It wasn't filet mignon, but it would do. Mommy also had two different dispensers to choose from. I thought they'd be different flavors, like chocolate and vanilla, but not so much. Oh well.

I took a couple of naps and stared at my parents for the rest of the day. I didn't really know what to expect, and it seemed like my parents didn't know either. Super....I also got a bath, which was nice, and they tested me for all kinds of other little things. The next few days (weeks, months, years, etc.) should be interesting and I'll tell you all about them as they come.